please, check another essay for TOEFL :)

[evridika.livejournal.com]

Which activity is most important?
•reducing pollution in your neighborhood
•helping a child learn to read
•visiting an elderly person regularly
Explain your choice using reasons and details.

Environmental problems seem to play a greater role than education and care of the old, because they affect much more people. First of all, think of the air we breathe, then of the water we drink, and, finally, of the soil where our food grows.
To start with, we all breathe the same air, and no one can avoid the consequences of air pollution problem. If the air in the region is impure because of exhausted fumes from the cars and emissions at the plants and factories, everybody in the neighborhood is in danger, both the young and the old.
Similarly, all people drink water which comes from the local river, and that’s why the condition of water should be controlled (?). Plants mainly cause the pollution, but some pathogenic organisms may also give trouble to those who drink this water or bathe in such rivers.
It is important to note that the contamination of soil shouldn’t be disregarded. All the vegetables and plants we eat are endangered, if topsoil is polluted. The main cause of this is pesticides used by farmers to increase their crop. We should make sure that they don’t do it.
For the reasons discussed, I consider the pollution of the environment the most important problem of the three. If children and elderly people die of contamination, whom will we teach reading and look after?

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Так все вроде бы и ничего, хотя и не на 6... Сомнения: soil, WHERE - как-то это не очень; нельзя сокращать - that's = that is, don't = do not и т.д.; Plants mainly cause - понятно, что речь идет о заводах, но лучше заменить, чтобы не было прочтения plants - растения.

[ex-bulatych796.livejournal.com]

air pollution точка
"controlled" is ok
"The health threat is not only from the pollution but also from pathogenic organisms in the water."
"Soil contamination is equally important".

Лучше, но simplify, simplify! Также избегайте страдательного залога, коротких предложений и фраз типа "it is important to note".

pollution

[enigmata.livejournal.com]

Which activity is most important?
•reducing pollution in your neighborhood
•helping a child learn to read
•visiting an elderly person regularly
Explain your choice using reasons and details.

Environmental problems seem to play a greater role than education and care of the old, because they affect MANY more people. First, think of the air we breathe, then of the water we drink, and, finally, of the soil where our food grows.
To start with, we all breathe the same air, so no one can avoid the consequences of air pollution problem. If the air in the region is impure because of AUTOMOBILE EXHAUST fumes and FACTORY emissions, everyONE in the neighborhood is in danger, both the young and the old.
Similarly, EVERYONE DRINKS THE water THAT comes from the local river. That is why the water PURITY shouuld be REQUIRED. Plants are the main cause of pollution, but pathogenic organisms may also CAUSE PROBLEMS for those who drink the water or bathe in polluted rivers.

bathe in polluted rivers[UK]
swim in poluted rivers [US] Americans only "bathe" in bathtubs.

It is important to note that SOIL contamination should not be disregarded. All the vegetables and plants we eat are endangered if THE topsoil is polluted. The main cause of this is pesticides used by farmers to increase their crop yield. We should make sure that they dont overuse pesticides.
For these reasons/ I consider the pollution of the environment the most important problem of the three. If children and elderly people die of contamination, whom will we teach reading and whom will we look after?

P.